Blog Post 1

The worst thing about being a lazy writer is that the longer you go without writing, the more there is to write about, and if the task seems even slightly difficult, the lazy writer will find something else to do. But people keep asking how I am and how China is, so at this point I really don’t have a choice. If I don’t write something and put it out there, then people will just start to forget about me entirely.

I don’t know if there’s any science behind it, but I think the warm, moist air in China carries more smells. This can be a good and a bad thing. For instance, when I emerged from the Hong Kong airport, I was immediately overwhelmed by the humidity, but I also noticed a strong smell of flowers in the air, and it seemed more pervasive and penetrating because of the heat. Just today while I was standing in one of my classrooms I caught the smell of some kind of pie or pastry, and it seemed at once more diffuse and yet more powerful for seeming to come from nowhere and everywhere.

That is the good. The bad side is familiar to anyone who has spent a lot of time in a big city or the third world (really the same thing), because when you find yourself suddenly caught up in a jet stream of dog shit and vomit smell, there’s just no way out, brother. That is a rarity. It is much more common to be walking along and suddenly realize that you’re hitting the smoggiest part of the day, and every breath you take feels a little bit wrong. This phenomenon has made me feel like I’d really rather not even bother visiting a city like Shanghai or Beijing. Beijing maybe, just because of the Great Wall etc. etc. But there are other places where you can see part of the Great Wall, plus the Chinese themselves tore down giant portions of the damn thing during the Cultural Revolution, so if they don’t even care about their cultural landmarks why should I? Anyway I’m just not a big city guy, and I would like to take in the country smells.

Speaking of vomit, I’ve made it a goal for myself to not ever get so drunk that I have to vomit in the bathroom of a Chinese bar. I don’t know what it is, but it just seems like there is more piss on the floor of Chinese bathrooms. This is especially true in bars that only have eastern-style toilets. There must be at least one other person who feels the same way because I once went into a bathroom and someone had puked in a urinal, and these urinals were set really high in the wall (why? They are all so short) so I guess he didn’t want to kneel either. Also, I think Paul Theroux said somewhere in his book that “China is the only country in the world where you see people carrying their friends in to bars.” This is totally true and may account for the large number of filthy bathrooms I see.

Going to clubs is totally bangin’ if you are white. I don’t think I have been to a club yet and not been given free beer and cigarettes by some Chinese dude who wants to make white friends. The cigarette thing is a problem, because many Chinese seem to be into smoking menthols, and it is very hard to get them to stop offering you something. I know there’s this whole rule about it being impolite if you don’t offer something multiple times, but listen motherfucker, I don’t like menthols! I will gladly take the beer, but I have started discreetly passing the cigarettes off to others.

Speaking of liquor, I think someone should do some research for me and find out what would be involved if one wanted to open a distillery in China. I mean, rice is the most plentiful crop, but the Chinese also grow a lot of wheat, and I bet lots of other things would grow just as well. So if you could grow your own stock of wheat or barley or whatever on the cheap, could you open, say, a whiskey distillery? I know the Chinese like hard liquor, but it’s all pretty expensive because it’s imported. Obviously I don’t know anything about making whiskey, but there’s definitely a market for it. I think the most expensive part would probably be fabricating or importing the equipment, the big brass kettles, etc. But once you actually got into production, I bet you could recoup your costs pretty quickly. Guangdong is the wealthiest province in China, or so they say, so just set up locally and sell to the bars in Guangzhou, Zhongshan, and Zhuhai. You could ship it to Macau, Hong Kong, up to Shanghai and Beijing, anywhere with nightlife. One last question, though. Would the availability of cheap whiskey destroy the Chinese race, as it has the Irish?

I’m not sure that would be such a bad thing. Chinese people can be very annoying at times. For instance, I live in a building with a number of Mormon teachers who are part of a program called ILP. They are pretty bland and uninteresting, but two of them own guitars and they play a lot of music I like. Apparently, some of the Chinese teachers that live on our floor complained because of the noise. Bitch, you are living in a glass house. Sometimes after a day of work I will be sitting in my room, watching TV or whatever, and all of a sudden the shouting will start. If I were anywhere else I would think it was a domestic dispute, but since this is China it’s just two friends chatting in the hallway. Seriously, it’s like there is a chainsaw running that only they can hear, and they’ve got to talk over it.

I also think it is funny how Chinese people can be incredibly oblivious to certain things. Like on a bus, when it starts to fill up and people who are standing need to shift to the back to let more people on, but they won’t do it! Some dude will be standing kind of near the back door, just hanging out, and it’s all on him to make way so that people can filter back, and it doesn’t happen. And unlike the US, where at the very least the bus driver would take charge and move things along, no one does or says anything; they just keep cramming in the front door till it’s packed. Once it is physically impossible to get in the front door, the driver will open up the back door and have people get in that way, so things do eventually even out, but you see how this can be frustrating for the observer. I have also seen a Chinese woman squeeze herself super small and climb over a long seat to get back into her booth at a bar, instead of just asking the guy who was blocking her way to move. These things could happen anywhere, but the difference is that in China it’s not a peculiarity, it’s the norm.

Well, that’s all for now. If anyone wants to drop me a line, my e-mail is nicholasnelson01@gmail.com. Apparently there is a way to get on Facebook, but I don’t really care to figure it out. I think my life is better without it. I also can’t access my blog directly, so I will have someone else upload my posts. Feel free to leave comments and I will read them when I come back to the States!