In this week’s post there will be much said about food. In this week’s post there will not be any mention of human excretions of any kind.
Here is a list of things I have eaten in China that I had never eaten before: pigeon, frog, pig’s stomach, pig’s ear, rabbit, snail, Tofu that tastes good. I think that’s it. Oh, also, I ate a fried chicken head, which is a part of the chicken I had never eaten before.
There’s really not much about heads, as a genre, that recommends them to the appetite. They don’t taste better. You have to look them in the eye while you’re eating them. They don’t add to the table setting. It’s like having an unwelcome guest at your dinner party. They just make everyone feel uncomfortable. Having said that, being the westerner who is eating a head for the first time is fun, and your discomfort brings joy to everyone else, sooooo…win-win, right?
Pigeon is another dish in which you will often find heads. What can you say about pigeon other than…I wish there was more of it? You take a wing off the plate, wrestle your chopsticks for a few minutes, give up, eat it with your hands, and then you feel disappointed because there was only one bite (if your lucky) of meat on the whole thing. I know, Americans love meat, eat too much of it, blah blah blah, but this whole pigeon thing has got to be a joke.
Meaghan, one of the other English teachers, staunchly defended the eating of pigeon against an uppity Brit who thought it was disgusting that we would eat such a mangy bird. At one point she exclaimed that pigeon “is comparable to duck!” It is always good to call out people who attack things they have no experience with, but I have to give the duck its proper due. The duck is a fowl you can really sink your teeth into, while the pigeon will always seem to me more of an oddity, an appetizer.
If you look at the top of this blog, you should see some pictures I’ve uploaded through Picasa (I have this information second hand, so if I’m wrong, tough). I’ve also put up a video showing how, when you order frog with your Hot Pot, the restaurant staff goes to great lengths to make sure your meal is fresh. There was a lot of speculation as to what their source is for “field chickens.” Did they come from little Billy’s terrarium, or maybe the canal? Who knows, and who cares? Just to be clear, we are not talking about “frog legs” as a dish here. We are talking just “frogs.” I may, or may not, have nibbled on spines. I’m leaning towards “may.” As of now I’m giving frog a thumbs down. However, Hot Pot is not a venue where you get nuanced flavors (really just one flavor: spicy!), so it’s possible that I would enjoy frog if it were prepared differently.
I really feel like we, in the United States, have got pigs figured out. We know where the good stuff is, how to get it, how to make it sizzle. All this stuff with hooves (or trotters, if you want to be a dick about it), snouts, ears, stomachs, is just beating around the bush. The main attraction is not on the periphery. Touch your ear. Go ahead, feel it out. I’ll wait. Now, imagine eating that shit! It is exactly what you think it is. There is a negligible amount of fairly average meat attached to some cartilage and fat. To be completely honest, I’ve actually eaten pig ear more than once. OK for reals I’ve eaten it more than twice, but only because I keep getting tricked into thinking it is some other meat. It looks so good in the pan, and then boom, it’s pig ear. Pig stomach is not bad, but it doesn’t deserve its own paragraph.
Here is a list of things I haven’t eaten yet but want to: snake, some other lizard (iguana or whatever they have), dog, cat, some kind of brain other than cow (had that in Mexico), smoked blood.
Yes you heard right, smoked blood. Captain (yeah, that’s his English name) was telling me how they go about doing smoked meats here, and he informed me that there is a special dish they make for festivals that is basically smoked blood. I don’t think he knows the word “scab” but from what he said I think they take animal blood and basically let it scab over. Then they take strips of it and put it over the stove and kind of jerk or smoke it. I know some people who have had blood soup and they were not very enthusiastic about the experience (traumatized might be a better word), but I think blood jerky sounds interesting.
This is the conversation that might have taken place when smoked blood was invented:
Guy 1: Hey did you hear? They’ve got a bunch of extra blood down at the butcher’s!
Guy 2: How much is it going for?
Guy 1: They’re just giving it away! Can you believe that?
Guy 2: Grab the buckets.
Several weeks pass
Guy 2: Oh shit, we let that blood sit too long and now it’s all hard. What should we do?
Guy 1: ….lets smoke it!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Blog Post 1
The worst thing about being a lazy writer is that the longer you go without writing, the more there is to write about, and if the task seems even slightly difficult, the lazy writer will find something else to do. But people keep asking how I am and how China is, so at this point I really don’t have a choice. If I don’t write something and put it out there, then people will just start to forget about me entirely.
I don’t know if there’s any science behind it, but I think the warm, moist air in China carries more smells. This can be a good and a bad thing. For instance, when I emerged from the Hong Kong airport, I was immediately overwhelmed by the humidity, but I also noticed a strong smell of flowers in the air, and it seemed more pervasive and penetrating because of the heat. Just today while I was standing in one of my classrooms I caught the smell of some kind of pie or pastry, and it seemed at once more diffuse and yet more powerful for seeming to come from nowhere and everywhere.
That is the good. The bad side is familiar to anyone who has spent a lot of time in a big city or the third world (really the same thing), because when you find yourself suddenly caught up in a jet stream of dog shit and vomit smell, there’s just no way out, brother. That is a rarity. It is much more common to be walking along and suddenly realize that you’re hitting the smoggiest part of the day, and every breath you take feels a little bit wrong. This phenomenon has made me feel like I’d really rather not even bother visiting a city like Shanghai or Beijing. Beijing maybe, just because of the Great Wall etc. etc. But there are other places where you can see part of the Great Wall, plus the Chinese themselves tore down giant portions of the damn thing during the Cultural Revolution, so if they don’t even care about their cultural landmarks why should I? Anyway I’m just not a big city guy, and I would like to take in the country smells.
Speaking of vomit, I’ve made it a goal for myself to not ever get so drunk that I have to vomit in the bathroom of a Chinese bar. I don’t know what it is, but it just seems like there is more piss on the floor of Chinese bathrooms. This is especially true in bars that only have eastern-style toilets. There must be at least one other person who feels the same way because I once went into a bathroom and someone had puked in a urinal, and these urinals were set really high in the wall (why? They are all so short) so I guess he didn’t want to kneel either. Also, I think Paul Theroux said somewhere in his book that “China is the only country in the world where you see people carrying their friends in to bars.” This is totally true and may account for the large number of filthy bathrooms I see.
Going to clubs is totally bangin’ if you are white. I don’t think I have been to a club yet and not been given free beer and cigarettes by some Chinese dude who wants to make white friends. The cigarette thing is a problem, because many Chinese seem to be into smoking menthols, and it is very hard to get them to stop offering you something. I know there’s this whole rule about it being impolite if you don’t offer something multiple times, but listen motherfucker, I don’t like menthols! I will gladly take the beer, but I have started discreetly passing the cigarettes off to others.
Speaking of liquor, I think someone should do some research for me and find out what would be involved if one wanted to open a distillery in China. I mean, rice is the most plentiful crop, but the Chinese also grow a lot of wheat, and I bet lots of other things would grow just as well. So if you could grow your own stock of wheat or barley or whatever on the cheap, could you open, say, a whiskey distillery? I know the Chinese like hard liquor, but it’s all pretty expensive because it’s imported. Obviously I don’t know anything about making whiskey, but there’s definitely a market for it. I think the most expensive part would probably be fabricating or importing the equipment, the big brass kettles, etc. But once you actually got into production, I bet you could recoup your costs pretty quickly. Guangdong is the wealthiest province in China, or so they say, so just set up locally and sell to the bars in Guangzhou, Zhongshan, and Zhuhai. You could ship it to Macau, Hong Kong, up to Shanghai and Beijing, anywhere with nightlife. One last question, though. Would the availability of cheap whiskey destroy the Chinese race, as it has the Irish?
I’m not sure that would be such a bad thing. Chinese people can be very annoying at times. For instance, I live in a building with a number of Mormon teachers who are part of a program called ILP. They are pretty bland and uninteresting, but two of them own guitars and they play a lot of music I like. Apparently, some of the Chinese teachers that live on our floor complained because of the noise. Bitch, you are living in a glass house. Sometimes after a day of work I will be sitting in my room, watching TV or whatever, and all of a sudden the shouting will start. If I were anywhere else I would think it was a domestic dispute, but since this is China it’s just two friends chatting in the hallway. Seriously, it’s like there is a chainsaw running that only they can hear, and they’ve got to talk over it.
I also think it is funny how Chinese people can be incredibly oblivious to certain things. Like on a bus, when it starts to fill up and people who are standing need to shift to the back to let more people on, but they won’t do it! Some dude will be standing kind of near the back door, just hanging out, and it’s all on him to make way so that people can filter back, and it doesn’t happen. And unlike the US, where at the very least the bus driver would take charge and move things along, no one does or says anything; they just keep cramming in the front door till it’s packed. Once it is physically impossible to get in the front door, the driver will open up the back door and have people get in that way, so things do eventually even out, but you see how this can be frustrating for the observer. I have also seen a Chinese woman squeeze herself super small and climb over a long seat to get back into her booth at a bar, instead of just asking the guy who was blocking her way to move. These things could happen anywhere, but the difference is that in China it’s not a peculiarity, it’s the norm.
Well, that’s all for now. If anyone wants to drop me a line, my e-mail is nicholasnelson01@gmail.com. Apparently there is a way to get on Facebook, but I don’t really care to figure it out. I think my life is better without it. I also can’t access my blog directly, so I will have someone else upload my posts. Feel free to leave comments and I will read them when I come back to the States!
I don’t know if there’s any science behind it, but I think the warm, moist air in China carries more smells. This can be a good and a bad thing. For instance, when I emerged from the Hong Kong airport, I was immediately overwhelmed by the humidity, but I also noticed a strong smell of flowers in the air, and it seemed more pervasive and penetrating because of the heat. Just today while I was standing in one of my classrooms I caught the smell of some kind of pie or pastry, and it seemed at once more diffuse and yet more powerful for seeming to come from nowhere and everywhere.
That is the good. The bad side is familiar to anyone who has spent a lot of time in a big city or the third world (really the same thing), because when you find yourself suddenly caught up in a jet stream of dog shit and vomit smell, there’s just no way out, brother. That is a rarity. It is much more common to be walking along and suddenly realize that you’re hitting the smoggiest part of the day, and every breath you take feels a little bit wrong. This phenomenon has made me feel like I’d really rather not even bother visiting a city like Shanghai or Beijing. Beijing maybe, just because of the Great Wall etc. etc. But there are other places where you can see part of the Great Wall, plus the Chinese themselves tore down giant portions of the damn thing during the Cultural Revolution, so if they don’t even care about their cultural landmarks why should I? Anyway I’m just not a big city guy, and I would like to take in the country smells.
Speaking of vomit, I’ve made it a goal for myself to not ever get so drunk that I have to vomit in the bathroom of a Chinese bar. I don’t know what it is, but it just seems like there is more piss on the floor of Chinese bathrooms. This is especially true in bars that only have eastern-style toilets. There must be at least one other person who feels the same way because I once went into a bathroom and someone had puked in a urinal, and these urinals were set really high in the wall (why? They are all so short) so I guess he didn’t want to kneel either. Also, I think Paul Theroux said somewhere in his book that “China is the only country in the world where you see people carrying their friends in to bars.” This is totally true and may account for the large number of filthy bathrooms I see.
Going to clubs is totally bangin’ if you are white. I don’t think I have been to a club yet and not been given free beer and cigarettes by some Chinese dude who wants to make white friends. The cigarette thing is a problem, because many Chinese seem to be into smoking menthols, and it is very hard to get them to stop offering you something. I know there’s this whole rule about it being impolite if you don’t offer something multiple times, but listen motherfucker, I don’t like menthols! I will gladly take the beer, but I have started discreetly passing the cigarettes off to others.
Speaking of liquor, I think someone should do some research for me and find out what would be involved if one wanted to open a distillery in China. I mean, rice is the most plentiful crop, but the Chinese also grow a lot of wheat, and I bet lots of other things would grow just as well. So if you could grow your own stock of wheat or barley or whatever on the cheap, could you open, say, a whiskey distillery? I know the Chinese like hard liquor, but it’s all pretty expensive because it’s imported. Obviously I don’t know anything about making whiskey, but there’s definitely a market for it. I think the most expensive part would probably be fabricating or importing the equipment, the big brass kettles, etc. But once you actually got into production, I bet you could recoup your costs pretty quickly. Guangdong is the wealthiest province in China, or so they say, so just set up locally and sell to the bars in Guangzhou, Zhongshan, and Zhuhai. You could ship it to Macau, Hong Kong, up to Shanghai and Beijing, anywhere with nightlife. One last question, though. Would the availability of cheap whiskey destroy the Chinese race, as it has the Irish?
I’m not sure that would be such a bad thing. Chinese people can be very annoying at times. For instance, I live in a building with a number of Mormon teachers who are part of a program called ILP. They are pretty bland and uninteresting, but two of them own guitars and they play a lot of music I like. Apparently, some of the Chinese teachers that live on our floor complained because of the noise. Bitch, you are living in a glass house. Sometimes after a day of work I will be sitting in my room, watching TV or whatever, and all of a sudden the shouting will start. If I were anywhere else I would think it was a domestic dispute, but since this is China it’s just two friends chatting in the hallway. Seriously, it’s like there is a chainsaw running that only they can hear, and they’ve got to talk over it.
I also think it is funny how Chinese people can be incredibly oblivious to certain things. Like on a bus, when it starts to fill up and people who are standing need to shift to the back to let more people on, but they won’t do it! Some dude will be standing kind of near the back door, just hanging out, and it’s all on him to make way so that people can filter back, and it doesn’t happen. And unlike the US, where at the very least the bus driver would take charge and move things along, no one does or says anything; they just keep cramming in the front door till it’s packed. Once it is physically impossible to get in the front door, the driver will open up the back door and have people get in that way, so things do eventually even out, but you see how this can be frustrating for the observer. I have also seen a Chinese woman squeeze herself super small and climb over a long seat to get back into her booth at a bar, instead of just asking the guy who was blocking her way to move. These things could happen anywhere, but the difference is that in China it’s not a peculiarity, it’s the norm.
Well, that’s all for now. If anyone wants to drop me a line, my e-mail is nicholasnelson01@gmail.com. Apparently there is a way to get on Facebook, but I don’t really care to figure it out. I think my life is better without it. I also can’t access my blog directly, so I will have someone else upload my posts. Feel free to leave comments and I will read them when I come back to the States!
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